Letters Never Sent

Dear Greg,



You are doing a good job at helping around the house. I almost fell off the chair last night when you said you had to go and finish vacuuming and mopping. Apparently, housework is more enjoyable than my nagging. Who knew?


Love, Dana




Dear Leah,


Daddy and I were very happy when you took that enormous poop in the toilet on Sunday. We were also very surprised that something that large was inside of you. Thank you for disposing of that in the toilet, rather than in your diaper where there was sure to be a logistical issue.


Love, Mommy and Daddy





Dear Ruby,


Your sweet little pit bull mouth smells worse than a rogue dirty diaper left in the car for five days. I know that this is really something that I have to deal with, and not something that you can just go and take care of, but if you are wondering why we all leave the room when you enter, it’s because of this.


Love, Mom







Dear Penny,


Your continued bitchyness astounds me. I must admit that I first thought this was all a front, and once you let your cat-hair down, you’d warm up to us all and turn out to actually be a lover. But, you continue to hate on everyone, shed uncontrollably, cost us more money than I’d care to admit when you decided the living room was your litter box, and actually got pissed at me when I suggested you leave the window sill last night so that I may close the window. I’m SORRY that I wanted to put on the air conditioner. Sue me. Oh wait, you probably will.


Love, That Idiot who feeds you, scoops your box, attempts to pet you and generally just annoys the crap out of you




Dear Collared Greens,


I will admit that I did not know what you were, but, I didn’t want to sound stupid. So when Greg asked me if I liked you, I answered with a wholehearted, “YES, DUH.” Well, it turns out that I do, in fact, like you, however, my digestive track feels the need to get you through at speeds that I am not used to dealing with. Uh, like, halfway through the meal. So, while I thought we could be friends, it is looking like we might not be able to make that work, as I have never spent as much time in the bathroom as I do when I eat you. Oh, wait, there was that time that I tried Activia for the hell of it…




Love, Hold on, I’ll be right baccckkkk…..







Dear Chocolate,


Hello lover. It’s that time of the month when we are due to have our affair. Don’t tell Greg, but I kind of look forward to these times.  Everyone leaves us alone, and we get to smooch all night long while watching DVR-ed NJ Housewives episodes. I think I will have you with some nuts tonight, to mix it up a bit. I know that next week I will regret our time together but, Chocolate, I wish I knew how to quit you! (Not really.)


Love, DeeDee

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