Something's Always Wrong

I was trying to think of what to write about today and the usual suspects popped up.

My kid? Been there, done that. Ad infinitum.

Working mommy guilt? Think I’ve touched on that enough for a lifetime.

Running? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

My dead mom? Not everyone needs to cry every day due to the epic writings of my overinflated ego.

Honestly, I think I need psychiatric help. When I think about things, I mean, really think about things, I have a great life. A good marriage, a supportive husband, an intelligent kid, a nice house, great friends, a good family, a secure job. Yet, I am always looking for something to complain about. Always searching for something that might be wrong, or off, or needs improvement.
Rather than focusing on all the good in my life, and just enjoying it, I find myself only able to see the imperfect things, and then I harp on how I can’t fix it, and how hard it is to deal with it, and waaaahhhhhh. Seriously, I don’t know why more people don’t tell me to STFU more often.

A couple of weeks ago my dad told me, in so many words, that maybe it was time to get over my mom’s death and stop being so angry and sad about it. I was all bent out of shape when he said that. I thought, “Well, he’s not in my head! He doesn’t live my life; doesn’t know what I go through! He’s so insensitive!” But, maybe he had a point.

I mean, if I spend all day thinking about how cruddy life is now that my mom is gone, I might miss something important.  Like how GOOD life is despite my mom being gone. If I exert as much energy on trying to enjoy time with my family as I exert on being aware of the absence of my mom, I would probably see that things are not that bad.  Maybe even quite good.
Yes, I miss my mom and wish she could have met and known Leah. Yes, I wish she could have been here for when Marco’s baby is born. And I really wish she could be here for when Adriana gets married.

But I still get to experience those things. Those are really great things that I will get to live with and know. And it’s okay to be happy for the fact that I get to have those experiences even though she doesn’t.

Maybe it is time to stop dwelling on something that I can’t change. Something that will affect me forever and that I’ll never forget. But, it doesn’t have to negatively impact every other aspect of my life. My mom’s death doesn’t have to ruin my future.

Quit your bitching and go make this leaf into some rhubarb pie!


Anonymous said...

i am glad that you understood what i was trying to tell you, love,Dad

Abbe said...

Dana ~

I hear you ~~~ it's all so bittersweet.

Back in 2007 when I received my A.A. I had a lot of mixed feelings - happy and proud, oh yeah!....and yet deep down inside my heart was crying - why? because if Uncle Ray didn't die I wouldn't have gone back to college, so I was able to accomplish something because he wasn't here....only people who have walked this walk can understand the swishing of emotions.

The graduation music started - my eyes were swelled my throat closed. I was in the procession, holding Uncle Ray's wedding band with me.
As I received the stage I gathered a sense of pride in all of this. They called my name, I walked across the stage, shook hands, and I as I started to cross the bridge like stage something came over me. It was all good. This is how things played out and now it was like the world of bright and wonderful things was waiting for me at the other end of he bridge....

yup, the time continues on, with our loved ones in our hearts, life can still be rewarding, fulfilling, fun and utterly awesome.


Anonymous said...

dont cook the leaf,
its poison dummy!!! you can only eat the stem.