Thoughts

I think of my mom every day and probably will forever. Sometimes it stings and sometimes it doesn’t. I know that they say that if something doesn’t hurt then it no longer means something to you, but I don’t care. I’d rather be able to think of my mom and not have it hurt. I’d rather it just be a thought in my head, along the lines of “buy pull ups” and “dvr Glee.”




Marco, Adriana, and I took my dad out for brunch on Sunday. Afterwards everyone came over to my house to swim. Marco threw everyone in the pool. The family raft was a big hit. Bella fell asleep in the stroller. I made pastina and then ordered pizza. We sat in the shade. Greg kept changing the station. Leah screamed “god bless America” like a mad patriot.



And I didn’t really think of my mom. And it was such a good day.



Yesterday was a good friend’s birthday. Happy Birthday, Gabrielle. Sorry you missed out on your birthday party.

Eff the Recession

THE THIRD AND FINAL THIRD BIRTHDAY PARTY



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I Have A Dream

The other night I had a dream that I was picking my mom up from the airport.  She had been on vacation for 3.5 years.  She came out of the terminal with a straw hat on, so I guess she was in the Caribbean.

When I got to the airport I texted her to let her know I was there.  And then, when she was coming out of Customs, she texted me that she was almost there. 

When we finally met up, I kissed her on the cheek and asked her about the trip.  Then I nonchalantly told her about everything she had missed since she had been gone: the birth of Leah, Marco's marriage, Bella.  She asked questions about the events and we laughed over what she would have done if she were there.

And then I woke up.  Because my damn alarm clock goes off at 5 freaking a.m.  Instead of shooting the sh*t with my mom after she went on a three and a stinkin half year vacation, I had to wake up and brush my teeth.  Whatever.



**Happy Birthday Marco!!  Hope you have a wonderful day!

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Today,

she would have been 58.

she would have known her two granddaughters.

she would have been helping Adriana get ready for the purchase of her first home.

she would have witnessed Marco marry.

she would have been dancing to her heart's content.

she would have been able to prove to this girl how wonderful she was, rather than just have me tell her.

Today would have been a good day.

 
 
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Growing Up Gulino

I can't believe that it's been just about three years since Leah came into our lives.  Gone are the days of babyhood.  I look at her now and see such a smart beautiful little girl who is independent and inquisitive and precocious.

Everyday is so challenging, but so worth it.  Just like life.

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Hey Ana, What's Your Name?

My sister's birthday is February 1st and this year she will be 29.  She's got a lot going on this year, and I'm really excited for her and what she's accomplishing on her own.  We all got together tonight at my dad's house and had a birthday celebration for her.

I may call Adj and her on-again/off-again boyfriend Sammi and Ronnie, and I'll never stop busting her about her lack of use of lip gloss, but deep down inside she's a great person and my best friend and I know that this year is going to be her best yet.

It has to be--next year she turns 30, and we all know it's downhill from there.



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I Was Wrong...34 is Awesome!

I had a wonderful birthday.  Turning 34 was not that bad.  I've been told that NEXT year is the year that I should be afraid of. 

On Saturday afternoon, I got my hair cut and colored which, since I've had a child, is a real treat.

I only did three loads of laundry on that day, which is rare for a Saturday.

I drank many glasses of wine, which, er, is actually very normal for a Saturday. 

My girlfriends took me out to dinner.

I wasn't hungover the next day, which is a birthday miracle.

I had a great day and I no longer feel bad about turning 34. 

However, now I'm dreading next year.

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They Say It's...just another day. Please.

Tomorrow I turn 34. 

I hate the way that sounds.  THIRTY FOUR.  THHHHIIIIIIRRRRTTTTYYYY  FFFFFOOOOUUUURRRR.  Ugh.

It sounds so mom-jeans, sensible flats, short-hair cut, right?  I'm a 34 year old mom.  I wear spanx.  I have random grays .  I have to pluck a chin hair that shows up inexplicably every three weeks.

When I was young I never really thought about my 30s.  They were old years--years that I didn't need to worry about--because they were so far off into the future.  And, now, I'm planted firmly in the middle of them, and, strangely enough, I spend a lot of time worrying these days.

I spent the day I turned 30 alone.  By choice.  I took the day off and spent it hanging around in my house.  Probably doing laundry.  I had told Greg that I didn't want any fanfare; I just wanted to quietly coast into the decade.  And then in November of that year, he totally ignored my wishes and threw me a surprise party.  The following June, we were married, and then in July, found out I was pregnant. 

30 was a good year.

I was 4 months pregnant when I turned 31.  My family took me out to dinner a few weeks later when we could all free our schedules on the same day.  We ate at an Italian restaurant on the boardwalk in town that didn't have fried calamari.  (Can you believe?)  Greg's mom was up visiting from Myrtle Beach.  Later on, back at my house, she took a picture of my parents sitting on my couch.  The last one.

My mom died a month later; I was in a car accident in January of '08, and then Leah was born in March.  I rallied through what I now know was a slight case of post pardum depression mixed with mourning that would just not go away.  I tried to be the best mom I could be, but there were some days that I didn't think I would make it.

32 was more of same.  I finally came to grips with the fact that my mom was NEVER going to meet Leah.  Despite the fact that I don't think of myself as all that dumb, I had the hardest time processing that my mom would never meet Leah, even though she was, you know, DEAD.  I don't know why.  I mean, I knew my mom had died before Leah was born, but I just couldn't accept that she would never see what I made.  Never meet this kid. 

I realized in year 32 that life was going to be very different now that we had a child.  We would have to, you know, always care for her and spend a lot of time and money on her and she was going to be here for a while.  And we didn't want it any other way, but it was a reality check of the kid kind.

33 was sort of a reality check of the adult kind.  The economy was uncertain and so were our salaries.  Greg's field was no longer a sure thing while mine was growing.  So we tried something new: he would spend more time at home with Leah with his flexible work schedule while I would continue to work full time, putting in long days, and attempting (sometimes badly) to not resent him for getting to spend more time with our daughter. 

I still thought a lot about my mom and couldn't understand why I wasn't getting over her death.  I started this blog; I joined Facebook; I found support and kind words from more people than I could ever imagine.

And now, 34. 

34.

I feel like I'm this work in progress and I'm never going to finish. 

My goal for 34 is to find some balance and contentment and a little more happiness. 

My goal for right now is to find some potato chips.

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Finally Sweat Is Not Dripping Down My Back As I Type This

I'm not even going to address the heat issues we had this week, because I'm just so grateful that my butt crack remains dry today.

A PICTURE:

One day this kid is going to look back at this website and say, "Gee, my mom took a lot of pictures of me in the car...hope she wasn't driving at the same time."  And I'm going to say, "Mostly no."

Ok, quick post today.  This is what we've got going on.  Tomorrow is my brother in law's 30th birthday party.  I plan on getting a lot of really good pictures.

And what I'll end up with is probably a lot of pictures of Leah in a pool.  That seems to be my Summer 2010 theme these days.

And on Sunday the plan is to visit the Bronx Zoo.  I am already getting a lot of grief from people who will be tired/hungover/hot/tell-it-to-the-judge, because once I get something in my head, it's hard for me not to focus on anything other than that.

So, I leave you with well wishes for the weekend, for I must go back to the zoo website to find a site map so that I can plan every single step of my trip there.

I wonder why people sometimes don't like doing activities with me.  It can't possibly be due to my desire to make sure every tiny action is perfectly planned and followed to my specifications no matter what, right?  There must be something else. 
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Stinky Bike

Due to a severe drop in spitting instances, along with a heaping tablespoon of guilt (working-mommy guilt, daycare guilt, dead grandma guilt—you choose) it was determined that a bike would be purchased for Leah last night.

When she was informed of this decision, she almost lost it, for the excitement over the prospect of a new bike was immense.

I explained to her that I would clean up after dinner, and then we would go to Target for the bike.

She then asked about 4 times a minute about her new bike.

After about 10 minutes of this, I told her she had to cool it. I had already explained that once I cleaned up the dinner dishes, we would be heading to Target to get her stinkin’ bike!

“Stinky bike! Stinky bike! Stinky bike!”


{Greg doesn’t think it’s as funny as I do, but, even today, every time I asked her what type of bike she has, she tells me a Stinky Bike. It’s freakin’ hilarious!}

Once we got to Target, we decided to purchase a scooter instead, as she was grasping the concept of scooting a lot faster than the concept of pedaling. I had her give her birthday gift card to the cashier to pay for her new “bike” and off we went to our house to ride it.

We didn’t have a lot of time to spend outside with the stinky bike, but hopefully we will tonight.

Simulating going very fast on her bike.

She woke up this morning screaming for her stinky bike.

 
 

And even watched her sacred Barney on her stinky bike.  She doesn't normally like distractions while watching Barney, but her bike proved to be a perfectly fine watch-point.  Ruby didn't even get yelled at for being too close to her while she was concentrating on her show.

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SUCCESS!

At first, he was a little scary...

But then he started singing this song about tapping my knees, which I love to do very much.

And, I got to do the limbo with him, which was also very fun.

So, I decided to touch him, and he was sort of soft...

 And then Aunt Christie hugged him, and she was ok!

So, I thought, Aw, heck, I can do it too!

And I was fine!

My other favorite part was CAKE!

I hate waiting for candle placement.

Nice!

I had a great time and love my friends and got lots of presents and ate icing for lunch and drank about 8 capri suns and jumped into the pool despite the fact that I can't swim and had to be pulled out and threw rocks and ran around and refused to go to bed and had the best time of my entire life! 

Can't wait for next year!!!!

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Practically A Sparty

On Sunday, 90 of our closest friends and family will be arriving at 2 p.m. for Leah's 2nd Birthday Party.  It's more than two months after her real birthday, but I had to wait until it was nice enough for us to party outdoors.  My house does not have the capacity to hold 90 people.  Two people can fit into my kitchen.  And that's if we remove the stove first.

I've ordered a tent, tables, chairs, and Barney.

A cake has been commissioned from my good friend Gina, who has never had to feed this many people with a cake.

Costco and Restaurant Depot have been visited.

Water guns-as-party-favors have been secured.

Food, utensils, paper products, chips, soda, water, beer and wine have been purchased.

Thank god for wine. 

Yesterday when my dad asked Greg how many people were coming and Greg told him 90, my dad asked "Who's the groom?"

We have a lot of friends and family that we wanted to share this day with, and, although our original plan was to have a Very Big First Birthday party for Leah, followed by smaller, intimate affairs each subsequent year, it appears that this won't be the case.  Every year there are more people that we want to have attend, and so, yes, maybe the guest list is a tad long, and slightly resembling that of a wedding.

But, we are Italian.  And from New Jersey.  Our motto is "Go Big or Go Home."  Emphasis on "big."

I may sound like I've got it all under control, but I am freaking out.  90 people is a lot of freakin' people!

Greg is already in need of a Xanax.  Seriously, he's lost it.

One person who seems calm about the whole thing is Leah.  Of course.  What does she have to stress about? 

It was like "The Tell Tale Heart" trying to get this picture. 

 I had to do the reach-around the door with my phone and then stood in the doorway afterwards for about 10 minutes for fear that she would hear the hard wood creak if I moved. 

Have a great weekend!  Let's hope that with all this party rigaramole I remember to take a picture or two.

*The title of this post is explained as #2 here.

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Weekend Wrap Up

Busy weekend, and aside from my rant in which I got dramatic and quoted a Les Mis song, (thank you, GLEE, now get out of my head) we had a really good time.


We attended two BBQs and one parade. We got the gazebo up around the pool and I actually took a swim!  In May! I think that’s a first. It was chilly, but I am proud to announce that I did not lose any toes to frostbite.

We have a big, big weekend coming up, with a huge celebration for a very special girl. Everyone is running around like a lunatic and I feel like my house is a scene out of Steel Magnolias when they are preparing for the wedding in the beginning.

There is old furniture being moved; there is new furniture being brought in. There are toilets to clean; there are tents, tables, and chairs to set up. There are high expectations for a large purple dinosaur who has been invited to attend the extravaganza. We are finally having a proper 2 year old birthday party for Leah, and I am she is very excited!


More to come...

One of these people is very excited for the parade to start.

The other...is not.
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Giggles

Over the weekend, we headed to a birthday party for one of Leah's friends.  It was at a place called Giggles Play Station.  According to their website, "Giggles Play Station offers a clean, safe environment for children of all ages to have fun on different levels. We have the Toddler Area and kiddie rides for ages 3 and under, the jungle gym, bouncer and animated games geared for children 3-8, plus slot cars and the hottest video and skill games for the older children (and their parents, too!). There is something here for everyone!"


According to me, the experience was likened to spending two hours with 100 kids on crack. 
 
Leah liked some of the activities...
 
 

 
Was indifferent to some of the activities...
 

 
And did not enjoy some activities...

 

 
The list of activities that she downright despised is longer, but since I try to be a good mom, I did not take pictures of those times.  But, let me just tell you:  it was funny.  Not in a cruel way, but what kid cries on a kiddie train?  Or refuses to get into a ball pit?  Toughen up, lady!
 
Anyway, it was an interesting experience, and, as she gets older, more of her friends will be having these kid parties at these clean, safe environment(s) for children of all ages to have fun on different levels, so I guess I better get used to popping 3 Aleeve before we walk in the front door. 
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Dear Mom...

Leah turned two last week, and we had a small family party for her over the weekend.  You were definately missed, but I have to admit it's getting easier to handle parties and holidays.  Soon after you died, get-togethers were difficult.  We found ourselves just standing there staring at each other physically missing the void you left. 

When it would come time to clear the table, we'd still wait for your direction on who should do what.  When it came time to make the coffee, we'd forget that you were no longer there and someone had to pick up the slack. 

And pick up the slack is what we've done.

Daddy is now the only parent we have, and he must do the job of mom and dad.  He is the only grandparent of Leah's that lives in NJ, so he must fill those shoes, too.

Adriana and I now take care of making sure the table is set, the food is served, the dishes are washed, and the coffee is served.  Gone are the days of being waited on; we now automatically make sure it happens.

And Marco?  You'll be happy to know that he is still the impatient, lazy PITA that he was when you were here.  How proud you must be!

So, I hope this doesn't upset you, Ma, but we are doing a lot better when we are all together.  It's no longer a pity party, where we all feel bad for ourselves and are reminded at every turn that you are no longer here. 

We've picked up the pieces, and, although we drop a few occasionally, we are managing.  And we are doing well.  Very well. 



SO WELL, THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE A GRANDMOTHER AGAIN! MARCO IS HAVING A BABY!

So, there, internet.  That is my news.  You can re-direct your "Congratulations on the new baby" cards from me to Marco.  Unless the card states, "Congratulations on the new baby, AUNT DANA."






















Mom and Dad-2007.

Haha, totally kidding. It was the 70's, as if you couldn't tell.
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Birthday Weekend

Whew!

Well, someone turned two over the weekend.

And has decided she’s ready to wear makeup.

Friday morning Leah woke up to a new high chair for her babies.

And a sushi set from her friends Matthew and Brendan who live in Vermont.

HIIII-YAA!

A little snuggle with daddy.

A birthday breakfast...

And then school, of course.

Later on, Aunt Christie came for dinner.

On Saturday, we went to visit the Easter Bunny.

But, sitting on his lap is not Leah’s bag.

So, she posed with the big eggs instead.

Then, it was lunch time.

What? Is there something on my face?

Sunday was party day!

And all of our family came over to celebrate Leah turning two.

There were presents to open.

Would you like to hear "Free Bird"?

Hold on, let me go get my tinkerbell guitar.

Wait a second!  Stop the party! 
Birthday girl needs to potty. 

And have some fruit snacks. 

Multi-tasking.

Ok, party on.  Let's have coffee and cake!

 

 

Can you please pass me a Splenda?

Do not even TALK to me until I've had my mid-day coffee.

And, then, it was time to go to sleep. 

Even princesses sleep.