My Reason

There are days that, when you are finally able to sit down and rest, it's actually bedtime.  Meaning, you started going the minute your alarm went off that morning, and you didn't stop until the end of the day.  Until it's time for you to go to sleep.

There are days when you leave the house so early you are sure you're the first one on your block to leave for work.  When you spend the day doing important, professional things and barely get a minute to stop and take a break.  When you feel like crashing at some point and can't figure out why and look at the clock and realize that it's 4 p.m. and you haven't even had lunch yet.

There are days when you walk in the door after work and realize that there are still a million things to do before you can sit down and rest.  And you start cooking and cleaning and playing and bathing and eating and feeding and reading and vacuuming all at the same time and you swear you must be on auto-pilot because you can't believe that you are still going.

There are days when you have no idea how you do it.  You can't believe that this is your life and you chose to live it.  You wonder why you're not still single working at some fancy job and going out every night.  Or rather why you and your husband didn't just keep it the two of you, spending all of your vacation time traveling to exotic places.  You start to wonder what small changes in decisions that you made in the past could have lead to.  What if I didn't move back to Jersey after college...What if I had not gone to the bar the night I met Greg...What if I had not forgotten my birth control on my honeymoon...What if...

I don't know how or why I do it.  How I spread myself so thin and still manage to take more on.  There has to be something that makes me get up each morning and leave my family and come home each night and work what seems like a second full time shift and go to bed at night utterly exhausted knowing that I have to wake up the next day and do it all over again.

There has to be something that makes me realize that it's all worth it. That this is what I want. That I might not be perfect, but I'm doing an okay job.

There's a reason why I do all of this, and I hope that she knows that I'd do twice as much twice as hard if I had to.

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1 comment:

a said...

beautiful. ur amazing.