Head Full Of Doubt

Yesterday I bought my first ipod. I know what you’re thinking: That Dana-- always with her finger on the pulse of new technology. I realize that I am several years behind times with my ipod purchase, but just stay with me for a minute.

I also bought some new sneakers. Running sneakers. I’ve never owned sneakers that are geared towards running. But, then again, I’ve never ran before, so it’s not like I’ve been unprepared in life w/r/t running.

I was listening to a song a few weeks ago and the singer told me to “decide what to be and go be it.” And I keep thinking back to that line. Because I don’t remember the last time I’ve done that. I don’t remember the last time I’ve made a big decision at all. Mostly these days, things just sort of happen to me.

I wasn’t always this way. I used to make my own decisions. I used to be in control of my life. I used to determine my destiny. I used to sparkle.

And now?

I’m just rolling with the punches.

When that singer told me to decide what to be and go be it I realized that I wasn’t doing that at all. And haven’t been for a long time. I’m just living life ‘cause I have no choice. I’m trying to make it through the day while accomplishing some made up mental list of things I need to do in a day. I’m Greg’s wife, Leah’s mom, my dead mom’s oldest daughter. But I’m not Dana. Not anymore.

I’m too afraid to be Dana. I’m too afraid that if I stop doing what I’m doing someone else is going to drop dead on my dime. Because I wasn’t watching them breath. Keeping them safe.

I’m exhausted every night and it’s not because I’m too physically active each day. It’s because I can’t turn down my brain during the day and do anything anymore.

So, I bought an ipod and some sneakers. And I set a goal. It’s a small goal, but that doesn’t make it any less important.

My stimulators are The Avett Brothers, who wrote that great line.

My idols are my sister Adriana and my friend Gabrielle. My constructive critic is my husband. My motivation is my mother.

And my inspiration is me. Well, who I used to be. Wish me luck.


Anonymous said...

I know you know what you have to do and I even know that you want to do it. I just didn't know why you were afraid to do it. I now have some insight. You are so worried about taking care of the people around you that you're losing yourself. I only met your mother once so I will not pretend to know her but I get the feeling she did the same thing. You've expressed anger that your mother didn't take care of herself. There are no guarantees in life but I know you want to do everything in your power to be there for Leah when she has her first child. You just have to give yourself permission to do it. You're the only one stopping you. (This msg was sent with much love and support)

Andrea L. Kalokitis Photography said...

Wishing you all the luck in the world, and I KNOW you can do it!! xoxoxo