And so it begins...

Hello! And welcome to DeenutsDana: an open letter to my mother. This is my blog.  I lost my mother in November of 2007, and there hasn't been a day that I haven't missed her since then.   There are two things that have been pestering me since she's been gone, however.  One, is that I still find myself thinking about calling her every time something significant (or insignificant) happens.  My daughter says a new word? Reach for the phone.  I have a horrible day at work? Think about going to her house afterwards.  Greg and I have an arguement? Get her advice. 

Obviously, I can't talk to her.  And I thought that, as time went by, this feeling of wanting to communicate with her would diminish.  But it hasn't.  It's still going strong and there are times that all of these "things" that I want to tell her start to build up and create pressure and it just becomes so overwhelming. 

I started thinking about how I could solve this problem--this need to tell my mother things.  And then I thought-this isn't a problem.  A woman shares with her mother. This is normal.  And if I can't do it in the conventional way, since my mother is no longer here to speak with, then I'll do it in the uncoventional way.  Which is right here, on this website. I'll write to her for all the world to see.  And so, on DeenutsDana, you'll find letters to my mother and posts that are directed to her.  My hope is that you'll be able to see what a wonderful relationship we had and, that if she were still here, what a wonderful relationship it would still be.

The second thing that has haunted me since her death is my lack in finding any sort of lesson or bright side to what happened.  If she died for a reason, I don't yet know what it is.  My children will grow up without a grandmother, and it's my job to make sure they know who she was. What she meant.  And how important she was to me.  This website is my tribute to my mother.  This is her legacy.  Perhaps someone will read something on this site, and it will make them feel a little better or give them a little clarity. If years down the line we've given away all of her belongings, and my father has moved out of their house, and there is nothing physical of hers left here on this earth, let this site be a reminder to who my mother was and how important she was to me.  And just how damn much I miss her.

Oh god, sometimes I miss her so much.

Mom and Dana, 1976