The Finish Line

Again!

It wasn't easier.  But I trained less this year.  And I gave myself permission before the race to walk if I needed to.  But I guess I never really needed to, because I never stopped to walk.

It was different this time.  I wasn't doing something for the first time.  I wasn't at the brim of tears for achieving something I worked so hard at.  It wasn't as emotional.  I didn't have as much riding on it.  I was just doing something that I now do each year and am really proud of myself for doing.

I shaved a couple of minutes off of my time from last year, but I am not really concerned with time.  When I am running the 5K, I only care about finishing.  (Said like a true slow runner.) 

And, as always, there is no better feeling than the one that you feel when you see Mile Marker 3.  Because that means there is only .1 left.  And that .1 is the easiest running you'll ever do.  It's the type of running that you can do while holding your daughter's hand and smiling.  It's feel-good running, and I wish I could capture that feeling and bottle it and use it in other aspects of my life.

This year has been different than the past few.  I can't say it's been great, but it's been better.  Life without my mom has always been a journey, I've said that before, but there have been times where I've seen the metaphorical Mile Marker 3.  Where it's not only no longer a burden to go on, but a joy.  There have been times where I've been living in the .1--me: pessimistic, sarcastic Dana, seeing mile 3, moving faster, grabbing my kid's hand, smiling, smooth moving for the last bit of the race, happy to finally cross the finish line.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

To date, I am down 20.4 lbs.  I've been following Weight Watchers for three months now.  For the most part, I do all right  on most days, but there are moments that I'm not proud of, that involve nuts, tostitos, and white cheddar popcorn.  I'm only human.

My only form of exercise is running, which I do about two times a week.  I'd like to get up to three times weekly, but both mine and Greg's schedules don't permit that.  Getting outside to run twice a week and also having night to attend my Weight Watchers meeting is all the work-free, kid-free time I get, and I'm grateful for it.  It could be worse.  I have contemplated buying a jogging stroller and taking Leah with me on runs.  Since stopping every thirty seconds to answer a question that begins with the word Why is not ideal when jogging, I really don't want to do this. 

For every really good week of weight loss, there are usually one to two poor weeks that follow.  For a while I teetered in between a 16-19 lb. loss until I finally had a come to Jesus talk with myself and broke through to 20.  Weight Watchers is all about small goals, and since my first small goal was a 20 lb loss, I have to now set my next goal.

We are going on vacation in a month so I'm thinking another 5 lbs by then would be nice...but I am also thinking about how there are oatmeal chocolate chip cookies in the cupboard, so, maybe I'll compromise with a 3 lb. goal.

.

Run, Dana, Run

I am having such a hard time exercising.  Or, I should say, finding time to exercise.  It seems like the day just contains too many other priorities, and when I finally stop for the day it's too late to go for a run. 

I've taken another employment position and I'll talk about that at some point soon, but I am hoping that with this new position, some more free time becomes available to me.  I have to convince myself, however, that this free time is permitted to be spent on me, and my life goals, rather than using it to spend more time with Leah or Greg.  I have to give myself the okay to spend some time alone doing something positive for me. 

No Reason

Things are good. So good. Yet I am still not right.

There are milestones and careers and success stories and new schools.

There are open windows and open doors.

There are anticipations, excitements, and things to look forward to. But I have started reaching for the phone to call her again.

I began running again. Running makes me think of my mom. Dieting, eating well, being healthy, being unhealthy, seeing grandmas, reading about people dying in their 50s, pregnant women, shopping, cleaning, lipstick, the vacuum, and the Gin Blossoms. Everything. It’s disgusting, really.

My anxiety is out of control. I can’t stop thinking about how Leah is probably dying every time I’m not with her.

Songs that have nothing to do with moms that have died make me think of my mom that died. I mean, songs that are clearly about other things I think were written with me in mind.

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

Don’t forget me I beg, I remember you said,

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

 

~Adele

 

It’s just a minor setback, and I’m sure I’ll come out of it, but it takes a lot out of me and it wears me down.


God, I hope I lose weight tonight at Weight Watchers.*

Here we go again.

*My priorities are warped.

 
 
 
.

A Week of Firsts: Me

I joined Weight Watchers a couple of weeks ago.  So far I've lost 4.8 lbs.  It hasn't been easy, but it's necessary.  My butt is large, yo.  Now that Greg's got a new schedule with his job, and Leah's in full time school, I am really hoping to start back up with the running.  Eventually I'd like to run 45 minutes three days a week, but this week my smaller goal is to complete three 15 minute runs.

I've been here before--joining Weight Watchers and thinking this time it's going to work, so I'm not going to wax poetic about how I should be at my fighting weight in a year.  But I'd like to be.  I really, really want to.  And wanting it is half the battle.*

*Total bullcrap.  Not eating is half the battle.  Exercising is the other half.  Wanting to lose weight just helps you stay motivated.


.

The Absence of Suck

I was most concerned with not being able to stretch before the race began.  I have never been a morning runner, especially a cold morning runner, so I thought that if anything was going to go wrong, I didn't want it to be something that could have been avoided with stretched-out muscles. 

I didn't hear any sort of fanfare marking the official start of the race.  I thought I'd hear a gun shot, or a horn, but nothing.  This could have been because I had my ear buds in.  There were over 1500 runners and for a minute or so after the race began we all just moved forward in a herd.  I thought for a second that the entire race might be like this:  that maybe there were too many people and not enough road and we'd all just shuffle in a big group for three miles. 

Then the crowd began to open up.  People started taking off ahead of the group.  I remember running for a minute or so in line with my sister.  I remember her running with her hands in her pockets and wondering how the hell she was able to do that.  I remember my friend Lisa being a few feet ahead of us and looking back several times.  I remember when both of them began pulling farther and farther apart from me.  And I remember when I couldn't see either of them anymore.  And then there was me.  And I took a deep breath and fixed my ear buds again, and began the long lonely 3.1 mile journey.  As it's always been.  As I've grown accustomed to. 

A lot of people passed me.  People who weren't even jogging passed me.  But, as my sister had informed me the night before, my jog speed was slower than most people's walk speed, so I was expecting this.  A few minutes into the run I began seeing people on their way back.  I tried to get real close to the center line to attempt to make eye contact with the guy who had come in 60th place in the NY Marathon and was predicted to run the Sparta Turkey Trot in record time.  He zipped by me; I smiled at him, but he never saw me.  It would have been inspiring to catch his eye, but he has personal records and qualifying races on his mind.  He didn't have time for me.

The halfway point took forever to get to.  By the time I finally reached it, I had seen Gab, Lisa, and Adj zip by on their way back.  I could tell I was far behind them based on how long it took me to get halfway through, but I didn't care.  I wasn't doing this for time.  I was just doing this to run.  I kept my eyes on the road and rallied through.

The course had hills.  I didn't know this beforehand.  I'm sure it was for the best, since I would have been much more intimidated if I had known that hills were part of this challenge.  Welcome to the Black Parade played on the steepest one. 

At one point I found myself slowing down, each step becoming harder and harder to take.  My jog slowed and slowed and I felt my right leg fall into what I can only describe as a walk-step.  And my knee immediately locked up, and it jolted my body back to attention, and I continued to run.

I was so lonely at some parts.  Or maybe just bored.  Alone.  No one was on the side of the road cheering us on; I had no idea how much farther I had to go.  All I know is that it sucked.  It totally sucked.

And then I saw it.  Mile Marker 3.  And Florence and the Machine began.  And then Flo Rida followed.  And the wooden 3 sign grew larger as I got closer.  And I started running.  And I moved to the middle of the road.  And I didn't feel a thing.  Nothing hurt.  Nothing was hard about what I was doing.  I was sprinting down East Shore Trail all by myself early on Thanksgiving morning and I felt great.  I felt wonderful!  I was so happy.  Happy to be finishing.  Happy to be running.  Happy to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And then.   Oh my god.  And then.  I saw my family.  I saw my husband and I saw my daughter and they were cheering for me.  FOR ME.  Leah ran to me and I stopped.  In the middle of the road before I hit the finish line, I stopped short.  And I grabbed her hand.  We started to run and she fell.  I picked her up and asked her if she was ok, and she said yes.  So, we held hands again and we ran to the finish line.  And it was perfect!  Gab and Adj and Lisa and Lan were all there.  Everyone was waiting for me.  And I crossed the line holding my daughter's hand.  And I was so happy.

And then the suck came back.  And it hurt.  My feel felt like they weren't mine.  I couldn't stop moving.  I had sprained my ankle when I stopped to get Leah.  I was trying to drink water.  I could barely talk.  Old Dana was back.  The Dana that is not athletic and can't run and doesn't do very well in sports and is fat, slow, and finds new gray hairs every week.

But, for a few minutes, when Mile Marker 3 came into view, I was someone else.  I was that person I used to remember.  It was awesome.   And I loved it.   And it didn't suck entirely.


.

I DID IT!

We all did it.

Thanks for all the support and encouragement. 

Without you, I would not have been able to do this.

.

.

.

And We're Off

Here we go...



Wednesday: T Minus 1 Day

The tatoo has been acquired...



.

.

Tuesday: T Minus 2 Days

Clothes have been purchased...

.

.



Monday: T Minus 3 Days

Practice is happening...

.

.

.

Yes, I Still Run

I haven't mentioned running much within the past month or so, have I?  Well, because up until a week ago, I wasn't running much.  It's dark when I get home from work, and I have a prejudice towards treadmills.  So, I stopped running.

But, I never for once gave up on the Turkey Trot.  I set a goal a while back, and when I set goals, I meet goals, and, despite the fact that I had stopped training, and despite the fact that I had no idea how I was going to start up my training again, I never for once gave up on the Turkey Trot.  I never once thought that I would not be there on Thanksgiving morning.  In fact, I have a little surprise planned for the event.  Something I have been meaning to do for a while.

So, I'm back to training.  On the DREADMILL.  At 9:00 p.m. after Leah goes to bed and I manage to find all of my running accoutrements.  While catching up on the Housewives or Glee.

Tonight I made my running playlist.  There are a lot of good songs out there, like this one and this one.  Ooh, but especially this one. 

So, if you're doing nothing on Thanksgiving morning and you feel like watching me hobble my way through 3 miles, come on down. 
.
.
. 

Update!

Dance Class

We were asked to attend another class this past Saturday, one with three year olds in it.  FIVE three year olds.  So, we gathered our leg warmers (despite it being approximately 80 degrees at 9:30 a.m. on Saturday--what can I say?  I am raising a fellow Slave To Fashion.) and we arrived ...

...to a class with one other two and a half year old who was there for the first time. ONE!  Class didn't go well.  The other little girl (who was such a trooper, I must mention) could not hold Leah's attention, and two minutes after class began, Leah was at the door banging to get out. 

We are told there's one more "actively-attended" class that we are going to try next week.  If that doesn't work out, ART CLASS it is.


Running

Blech.  I don't want to talk about it.  I've been sick and busy, so my running has suffered. And so has my butt.


Health

We are a sick household.  I've got a cold that will not die and now Greg and Leah are under the weather, too.  I may not be coming across as my normal, cheery self in this post, and this is why .  Today I had to be cleared by Pathmark security due to amount of NyQuil-related products I was purchasing. 

Greg's Birthday

Greg turned 35 on the 24th and we had dinner out together.  Alone.  By ourselves.  Sans kid.  Which was really friggen nice.  Thanks, Gab!


Fall

...is upon us!  As soon as stops being so darn hot!  I love the Fall: my birthday, apple and pumpkin picking, sweaters, Halloween!  I'm also excited for it to stop sweating under my boobies.

I'm sorry...was that too much information?
.
.
.

Progress: Running and Life Update

So, I'm still trying to settle into life with my new job.  Greg's got new work hours as well, so we are trying to figure out a new schedule with regards to daycare, classes, work, activities, car vs. truck usage, and running, of course.  Ah, running.

When it comes to sacrificing something due to lack of time in the day, it's always running that loses.  It shouldn't be that way, but it is.  As much as I'd like to make running a top priority in my life, often times it doesn't stack up to the other things.  Things such as Leah, Greg, sleep, work..I could go on. 

Last night I ran after a week and a half break.  The weather was cooler than it's ever been since I started training and the run went well.  Although you wouldn't have thought that if you heard me breathing as I arrived home afterwards.  I ran an entire mile without stopping, which was a personal record.  The second mile wasn't as easy but I got it done.  It's getting close to the Turkey Trot so I've got to keep up with this if I ever want to make my goal.

Although, spending time with this little girl is a goal too.  And I try to beat my personal record all the time.
.
.
.

Getting Back on Track-Running Update

While in Myrtle Beach, I ran once. The heat was unbearable, as Myrtle Beach is closer to hell, er, I mean the equator, and I just couldn’t find a time when I could step outside and not instantly start melting. Just from standing in place. So, I didn’t run…although I felt incredibly guilty about the whole thing.

The one night that I did run was rough.  I couldn't complete the run, and ended up walking a lot more than I normally do.  Also, while drivers in Sparta aren't always happy that they have to share the road with a runner, they don't want me dead.  Drivers in Myrtle Beach seemed downright angry about the fact that someone was running on the side of their road and therefore that person needed some schoolin' 'bout how things are done in the South.  I almost had to jump in a nearby pond when I swear I saw a woman swerve towards me as she passed.  She may have been smiling.

So, I gave up the endeavor and surrendered to the Land O'Hush Puppy and vowed that I'd resume my running program when I returned home.  Only I wasn't expecting it to get dark so early these days, and, at the risk of sounding like a broken record--the heat, mylanta, the heat--and therefore, here we are on Friday, four days after I've returned from vacation, and I've only run once. 

I'm not giving up on the running.  I'd be too proud to have to admit to you that I failed.  Plus, I enjoy running.  I especially enjoy talking about running.  But, I'm just in a rut.  I've had some very. big. things. happening in my life, things that I will be bringing up soon, and running just hasn't been a priority.  But, I still have 3 sections of my program to complete, and the Turkey Trot is looming closer, and I think that I need just one ideal run to whip me back into shape.  You know, just one run that's perfect: perfect weather, perfect time of day, perfect level of motivation, perfect amount of sleep the night before.  I need a run that I enjoy immensely to remind me why I like doing this and why I want to keep it up.

I'm hoping to complete that run this weekend.  So, wish me luck.

.
.
.

Hello, Mile 3

Well. That sucked.




I was concerned that my jog was only taking me about 2.25-2.5 miles.



I am impatient.



I am slightly OCD.



Of course, I think I know more than Todd, the creator of my running program.



Therefore, I decided to take things into my own hands.



Last night, I jogged my normal “walk 2, jog 2” interval until I completed 3 miles. I had to prove to myself that I could do it.



It took 44 minutes. Which means that, at this rate, at the Thanksgiving Turkey Trot 5K that I plan on running, elderly, handicapped and infants will have completed the race and will mostly likely have showered and will be napping by the time I get to the finish line. People will be sweeping the streets and Christmas decorations will be going up on street lights.



So, I guess I need to work on my time a bit.



Today my legs are jello. And the ball of my left foot hurts. I’m exhausted. And starving. (The starving thing is really nothing new, though.)



Slow but steady, right?
.
.
.

Running Update: Nerd Alert

I have a lot on my mind. There is a lot going on in my life. I’m not saying this because YOU don’t have as much as ME going on. I’m saying this because I am one of you. And I want you to all know that, despite my tendency to talk about my life and the things in it a lot on my website, there are things that I keep to myself. And I have problems handling them, at times. So, to all the people out there who have crap going on in their life and are looking for a way to handle things, may I suggest going for a jog?




I know! That is probably the lamest sentence I’ve ever written!! I am embarrassed of myself.



But, hear me out.



I used to really dread running days. I would think about the inevitable run all day long and let it preoccupy my thoughts and I would complain about how the weather wasn’t cooperating and I would put it off for hours and hours and hours.



And, I totally still do that. But, in a way, I also really look forward to it.



It’s MY time. Just for me. No one else. There is no other time in the day where the action that I am doing is for entirely just for me. And, because I am not worrying or thinking about anyone else, namely the small person in my house who normally takes up a lot of my brain power, I am free to think about other things. Anything really! I can think about problems I might be having and what my next step in handling should be. Or, I can think about ice cream. Whatevs. Either or. Neither nor. WHATEVER I WANT.



It’s not unusual for me to come back from a jog and have a full list of things I want to tell Greg. Like last night, I finally got to thinking about that damn broken pool pump, and I figured that it would be in our best interest to replace it, despite its hefty price tag, because closing the pool now and not using it for the rest of the summer would be detrimental to the mental health of everyone in our family. And several neighbors. And it took me about 4 minutes of weighing the pros and cons about the pool pump to actually come up with this answer, but do you know we had been hemming and hawing over it for the past two weeks unable to come up with an answer?! All it took was some uninterrupted time to think about it.



And the fact that I sound like the biggest dork in the land does not go unnoticed. Believe me, I know I sound like the band geek that I really am. Ahem, Color Guard geek. But, this past week has been one of the toughest weeks of my life. Any type of problem that could have come up has reared its ugly head: Money? Check. Employment? Check. Health? Check. Family? Check. And I’m a little surprised that I’m not lying in a puddle on my basement floor begging for a Xanex. All I know is that I leave the house before a jog in a wretched, stressed out mood, and I return feeling better about my life, myself, my problems. So, take from that what you will.



So, here’s a quick rundown of my jog these days. I leave the house at 8 p.m., when it’s cooled down a little and the sun is no longer shining. I am leaning towards a Wednesday, Friday, Sunday schedule. I’ve tried other days, but these seem to work best for me. I am on week 5 of the 5K101 podcast, which is an 8 minute interval jog. I start with a 5 minute warm up, jog for 8 minutes, walk for 2, jog for 8, walk for 2, jog for 8, and then walk home and use that at my cool down. Last night it took me about 36 minutes to complete the entire jog and I covered about 2.25 miles. I have also been working on my breathing technique, as I can’t do anything strenuous for 8 minutes straight without having to regulate my breathing in some way. I think it is making a huge difference, as when I arrived back home after the jog last night, Greg questioned whether I had even done the run at all, as I wasn’t hyperventilating, “like you normally are.”



He’s such a gem!
.
.
.
.

Something's Always Wrong

I was trying to think of what to write about today and the usual suspects popped up.

My kid? Been there, done that. Ad infinitum.

Working mommy guilt? Think I’ve touched on that enough for a lifetime.

Running? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

My dead mom? Not everyone needs to cry every day due to the epic writings of my overinflated ego.


Honestly, I think I need psychiatric help. When I think about things, I mean, really think about things, I have a great life. A good marriage, a supportive husband, an intelligent kid, a nice house, great friends, a good family, a secure job. Yet, I am always looking for something to complain about. Always searching for something that might be wrong, or off, or needs improvement.
Rather than focusing on all the good in my life, and just enjoying it, I find myself only able to see the imperfect things, and then I harp on how I can’t fix it, and how hard it is to deal with it, and waaaahhhhhh. Seriously, I don’t know why more people don’t tell me to STFU more often.

A couple of weeks ago my dad told me, in so many words, that maybe it was time to get over my mom’s death and stop being so angry and sad about it. I was all bent out of shape when he said that. I thought, “Well, he’s not in my head! He doesn’t live my life; doesn’t know what I go through! He’s so insensitive!” But, maybe he had a point.

I mean, if I spend all day thinking about how cruddy life is now that my mom is gone, I might miss something important.  Like how GOOD life is despite my mom being gone. If I exert as much energy on trying to enjoy time with my family as I exert on being aware of the absence of my mom, I would probably see that things are not that bad.  Maybe even quite good.
Yes, I miss my mom and wish she could have met and known Leah. Yes, I wish she could have been here for when Marco’s baby is born. And I really wish she could be here for when Adriana gets married.

But I still get to experience those things. Those are really great things that I will get to live with and know. And it’s okay to be happy for the fact that I get to have those experiences even though she doesn’t.

Maybe it is time to stop dwelling on something that I can’t change. Something that will affect me forever and that I’ll never forget. But, it doesn’t have to negatively impact every other aspect of my life. My mom’s death doesn’t have to ruin my future.

Quit your bitching and go make this leaf into some rhubarb pie!

.

.

.

Running Update: So Maybe I'm Figuring This Out

Listen, I don't want to make a big deal about this but on June 18, 2010 and on June 20, 2010 I found myself running and it wasn't totally sucking.  I wouldn't say the sucking was completely absent, but I could see why people continue with this activity and while others write books about it and why those ridiculous looking running skirts appear to be all the rage these days.

Friday, June 18th was a perfect day, running-wise.  I could not have asked for more beautiful weather.  It was the last day of my 4-minute interval program which had kicked my butt for the past two weeks.  When I first started it, I could not even get through the program without pausing it for a few minutes here and there.  And on Friday, I got through the whole thing, and when I ran into a neighbor on my way home, I was able to carry on a conversation with her despite just finishing the program.  Rather than vomiting on her shirt, which is what would have happened two weeks prior.

On Father's Day, June 20th, I didn't get out to run until 8 p.m.  It had been a long day and my energy was sapped.  (Being nice to both my father and my husband was tough for me, but I pulled through.)  It was the first time I was doing the 6-minute interval program and I was nervous I wouldn't be able to get through it.  Au contraire.  I got through it and I came home and cleaned my house and made lunches for the next day.

These might seem like small accomplishments, and I guess they are, but to me they prove that I am getting stronger and improving.  If you remember, I almost died during my first run after I had to run for two minutes.  And now I can run for 6 minutes without stopping.  6 minutes!  That's like practically a marathon.

"Go a mun, mommy? I mun?"

.
.
.
.
.

Running Update: Second Verse, Same as the First

So. Running. Not getting any easier. Or more enjoyable.


Don’t get me wrong-I LOVE the idea of running. But the actual act is a different story.

I am on Week Four of the program and, after a 5 minute brisk-walk warm up, I’m supposed to jog for 4 minutes and then briskly walk for 1 minute and repeat that whole shebang 5 times before a 5 minute cool down.

I’ve attempted and failed twice to get through this workout without having to stop for a break or slow down to a walk during one of the jogs.

It’s so hard.

I’m going to try again tonight. The weather is cooler than it has been, and I’m determined to do it, so maybe tonight will be the night.



In other news, friends that I don’t see very often have asked how much weight I’ve lost since I began running. Well, that’s easy! The answer is NONE!

What?

I know. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong either. (Wine.)

Full disclosure: my scale’s battery died a few weeks ago. But, my clothing is fitting the exact same (if not tighter. I know—how cute!) as it always has. So, I’m pretty sure I haven’t lost any weight. (Wine.)

I wish I could figure out how to do this running program and drop a few. It would be like a little bonus! (Wine.)



In other, more inspirational news, my friend Catherine ran a half marathon a couple of weeks ago. A HALF MARATHON. 13.1 miles. I doubt I could walk that distance, let alone run it, so, kudos to Catherine.

She actually lived to tell about it too. In case that wasn’t obvious.



So, to recap:

1) Have not found the Absence of Suck

2) Have not lost any weight

3) Have a friend that can run long distances


  What do you say we look at something cute?

.

.

.