Thoughts

I think of my mom every day and probably will forever. Sometimes it stings and sometimes it doesn’t. I know that they say that if something doesn’t hurt then it no longer means something to you, but I don’t care. I’d rather be able to think of my mom and not have it hurt. I’d rather it just be a thought in my head, along the lines of “buy pull ups” and “dvr Glee.”




Marco, Adriana, and I took my dad out for brunch on Sunday. Afterwards everyone came over to my house to swim. Marco threw everyone in the pool. The family raft was a big hit. Bella fell asleep in the stroller. I made pastina and then ordered pizza. We sat in the shade. Greg kept changing the station. Leah screamed “god bless America” like a mad patriot.



And I didn’t really think of my mom. And it was such a good day.



Yesterday was a good friend’s birthday. Happy Birthday, Gabrielle. Sorry you missed out on your birthday party.

On A Day, In May

It's her day, and it's my day, and we never got the chance to celebrate together.

And today I'm spending the day with Adriana.  As per the usual.  At the crappy nail salon that we are forced to go to because it's the only one that's open on Sundays.

And, I've decided to turn over a new leaf and bring Leah with us.  Up until this year, I've felt like Mother's Day is my day to do whatever I want, however selfish, even if that means not spending the day with my daughter.  But this year I realized that wanting to spend the day without my daughter is exactly the opposite of how I want her to feel on this day.  When she's older, I hope that she wants to do special things with me on this day, and how horrible is it that I want to be alone?  Just because I no longer have a mom to spend the day with?  God, Dana, you're such a brat.  So, today, Leah gets her first pedicure, Dana will undoubtedly need an early glass of wine, and Adriana will most likely take extra birth control tonight...but, we'll spend it together like we would have done if my mom was still here. 

 I choose to have Leah with me today because I love her and I want to spend Mother's Day with her.

And because I totally don't have a babysitter. 

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Easter Recap

Sorry about my absence.  I was sick and had a busy week.  And, it didn't start out great. 

So, I'm back!  With an Easter update.

Surprisingly, it wasn't 30 degrees!!!  I mean, it still rained and all, of course,but we didn't need winter coats, only umbrellas.

We got to hang out with family and have egg hunts, go to dinner, see the Easter bunny, have a caricature made, and get our face painted.

And, in keeping with a theme, the target may be different, but the picture never changes.

Clothes Encounters

We try to let Leah pick out her own clothes.  There are time when I must intervene--sometimes put the kibosh on the entire outfit--but we want her to be independent and proud of what she's wearing.  So, for the most part, I'll let her chose.  She's pretty good at it.

Until she's not.

My sister calls this Ace Ventura.

**If anyone cares, nine years ago today, Greg asked me to be his girlfriend.  

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We Have An Activity

Two Halloweens ago, Leah dressed as an 80's fitness instructor.  I went to the mall and spent a small fortune on a leotard, leg warmers, and sparkly shorts. 

She wore the outfit once.

On Wednesday we dusted off yee ole purple leotard and sent her to gymnastics with my sister, who was given strict instructions to videotape the entire session.

If I had an ounce of computer literacy, I would post the 45 minute video, since I'm sure you'd all LOVE to see it, but you'll just have to take my word.

I am sensing OLYMPICS!   See for yourself.

Sibling Revelry

I received a comment on my last post asking why I don't talk about my siblings.  Well, in case it wasn't evidently clear, I'm not exactly what one would call selfless.  Make no mistakes, I like to talk, and I like to talk about me, and clearly about my daughter, as well.  But she's two, and when she is old enough to google her name I can very easily hit delete and make like this blog never existed.  However, my brother and sister can read.  And know about this blog.  And I would venture to think that they enjoy their privacy--neither one even has a facebook account--so it's not really my place to plaster their goings-on all over the Internet.  That being said...

Is this picture not heinous?!  It's from the early 2000s, I'd say.  Adriana looks so young (and pale, no?), Marco is channeling Paulie D., and I have once again hit the trifecta of jackpot gold with the horrendous hair color, ridiculous eye shadow, and Wet n Wild Lip Liner in 666:Brandywine. 

But seriously.  They are doing fine.  We all are.  Marco's got his wife and kids, and Adriana's in the process of buying a condo.  See?  Boring.  Not nearly as interesting as ME!!  Who's got some big things on the horizon.  But I cannot discuss at this time.  You'll will have to wait.  Until then...

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Hey Ana, What's Your Name?

My sister's birthday is February 1st and this year she will be 29.  She's got a lot going on this year, and I'm really excited for her and what she's accomplishing on her own.  We all got together tonight at my dad's house and had a birthday celebration for her.

I may call Adj and her on-again/off-again boyfriend Sammi and Ronnie, and I'll never stop busting her about her lack of use of lip gloss, but deep down inside she's a great person and my best friend and I know that this year is going to be her best yet.

It has to be--next year she turns 30, and we all know it's downhill from there.



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The Aunts

Leah has four Aunts.  Two are biological and two are by marriage/long time relationshipage.

One of her Aunts is Aunt Christie (Tistie)-Greg's sister:

And one is Aunt Adriana (Ana)-my sister:

She loves them both and they love her and I am so thankful for both of them.  They are both great women who love my daughter as much as I love her, and that means a lot me. 
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Ruby Rubinowski

I feel like I never talk about Ruby these days. 

Well, she's doing fine.  Still a huge pain in the butt, and she still sneaks under the covers and lays super flat so that when Greg comes to bed he won't see her and make her get out of the bed.

Her breath is wretched, but she's so lovable, it almost makes up for the horrible breath.

She loves to eat, and when you are holding something edible she looks up at you like, "I am so hungry.  I haven't eaten in days.  May I have a small crumb from your tasty treat?"  and I don't fall for it anymore (much), but man, she totally has my sister wrapped around her finger.

Leah LOVES Ruby, and I catch her kissing her and putting blankets on her and pretending to feed her something from her play-kitchen.  She's got this huge eyesore tent that she keeps in the living room, and she loves getting in there with Ruby.  It's so sweet that they are such good friends.

I love my little Ruby Rubinowitz! 

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White Wedding

Speaking of Big Fat Italian Affairs, on Saturday my cousin Raymond married Erica. 

Actually, if I'm keeping it real, his name is really Little Ray.

Not to be confused with Little Bobby or Little Tommy, two other cousins of mine.

And definitely not to be confused with Uncle Ray, Uncle Bob, or Uncle Tom, all uncles of mine. 

Do other families do that?  Call the Jr. "Little"?  I think it might just be us.  Well, in Little Ray's case, he's really Ray the Third.  Because my grandfather was Ray...but we didn't call my Uncle Ray, Little Ray--oh no.  You know, this is one of those conversations that I'm going to go ahead and save for when I'm with my cousins because something tells me that this might only be interesting to them.  In fact, this may not even be interesting to them.  This may only be interesting to me.  So, I'm stopping.  Back to the wedding!

Raymond's father, my Uncle Ray, died a few years ago.  Although they lost their dad when they were much younger than I was when I lost my mom, I feel like I have a special bond with Raymond and his siblings because of what we have in common and have been through.

Here is a picture of my Aunt Abbe and my cousins Stacey and Evan, Raymond's siblings.

I am the oldest of 11 grand kids on my mom's side.  Here are three of the four female cousins.  My cousin Ronelle is missing from this picture, probably because she was busy taking 298 pictures that night. 

TWO HUNDRED AND NINETY EIGHT.  And she wasn't the hired photographer for the event or anything.  I have horrible forgot-to-suck-it-in-dancing pictures to look forward to being tagged in on Facebook thanks to Ronnie's 298 pictures of the blessed event.

We are not this bronze. 

It's just that "Auto Correct" is a horrible feature on Microsoft Picture Manager.

Also, I think my hairdresser went a little too short with the bangs, no?

I had an awesome time at this wedding, and loved seeing my aunts, uncles, and cousins.  I wish we could get together more often, and I treasure the times that we do. 

Thanks for a great night, Ray and Erica.  Have an awesome time in Bermuda!

OK, I DEFINITELY think she went too short with the bangs.

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Bathing Beauties

My sister watches Leah on her day off.

Since it's hotter than Hades 'round these parts, they spend a lot of time in the pool.

Two towels...

Two chairs...

Two ladies practicing pool safety.

Leah calls my sister Ana.  It's a lot easier to say than Aunt Adriana.  They get along well but sometimes I hear them bickering back and forth.  It's very cute.

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Something's Always Wrong

I was trying to think of what to write about today and the usual suspects popped up.

My kid? Been there, done that. Ad infinitum.

Working mommy guilt? Think I’ve touched on that enough for a lifetime.

Running? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

My dead mom? Not everyone needs to cry every day due to the epic writings of my overinflated ego.


Honestly, I think I need psychiatric help. When I think about things, I mean, really think about things, I have a great life. A good marriage, a supportive husband, an intelligent kid, a nice house, great friends, a good family, a secure job. Yet, I am always looking for something to complain about. Always searching for something that might be wrong, or off, or needs improvement.
Rather than focusing on all the good in my life, and just enjoying it, I find myself only able to see the imperfect things, and then I harp on how I can’t fix it, and how hard it is to deal with it, and waaaahhhhhh. Seriously, I don’t know why more people don’t tell me to STFU more often.

A couple of weeks ago my dad told me, in so many words, that maybe it was time to get over my mom’s death and stop being so angry and sad about it. I was all bent out of shape when he said that. I thought, “Well, he’s not in my head! He doesn’t live my life; doesn’t know what I go through! He’s so insensitive!” But, maybe he had a point.

I mean, if I spend all day thinking about how cruddy life is now that my mom is gone, I might miss something important.  Like how GOOD life is despite my mom being gone. If I exert as much energy on trying to enjoy time with my family as I exert on being aware of the absence of my mom, I would probably see that things are not that bad.  Maybe even quite good.
Yes, I miss my mom and wish she could have met and known Leah. Yes, I wish she could have been here for when Marco’s baby is born. And I really wish she could be here for when Adriana gets married.

But I still get to experience those things. Those are really great things that I will get to live with and know. And it’s okay to be happy for the fact that I get to have those experiences even though she doesn’t.

Maybe it is time to stop dwelling on something that I can’t change. Something that will affect me forever and that I’ll never forget. But, it doesn’t have to negatively impact every other aspect of my life. My mom’s death doesn’t have to ruin my future.

Quit your bitching and go make this leaf into some rhubarb pie!

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A Little Girl and Her Mommy

Leah is so much fun these days. She’s been talking like crazy, and some words come out in the most adorable way!

My favorite two are the way she says “candy” and “tattoo.”  I also find it so endearing when my sister shows up at our house and Leah asks for Papa.  She knows they live together and wants to know if he'll be joining them...that's just the sweetest thing.

Thankfully, for Mommy's sake, Papa is not always visiting. 

(If you knew him, you'd know what I mean.)

She also understands a lot. I can have a conversation with her. She remembers things that happened to her during the day and can tell me about them when I get home. She talks about her friends and can recall things that they did months ago, sometimes!

She will do things on command, too. Like smile! For MONTHS I’ve had to make silly expressions and do nutty things just to get her to crack a smile for a picture. Add to the fact that my camera has what must be a 10-minute delay and I barely got any pictures of her smiling.

Now-all I have to do is tell her to smile and to hold it until I say stop…or to wait till she sees the light and she does it! She’s got this cheesy smile that I just love.

We have a good time together. Sure, there are trying times. She’s not a great listener, and she's stubborn, but there are great times too.

When I was pregnant I would imagine myself with my future child. In all of my day dreams, my child was a toddler, maybe about two years old. I’m not sure if it means anything, but I just always knew that this age would be the most fulfilling.

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The Healing Corner: Dana's Story

November 24th, 2007

Patricia E. Grieco

Eulogy

Mom,


I wish I could turn back time and keep you here just a little longer. I wish I had just one more day with you. I’d settle for an hour, or even a phone call. I’d give anything just to hear your voice, or to see you at the kitchen table as I walked into your house.

I wish I could listen to you talk about “Dancing with the Stars”, or have you lick your finger and wipe my face, or hear you call me “Dana Ann!” one more time, or smile while you and Daddy showed us your newest dance step, or was able to call you up and tell you when the baby kicked.

But I know that I can’t, and I’ll be okay with that. The pain of losing you will never go away, but hopefully each day it will lessen, until all I think about are the good times and the great memories. I’ll miss you more than anything in this world, and I’d give anything to still have you here, but I want you to know that we’ll be okay. Daddy, Marco, Adriana, and I will take care of each other, and your passing will bring us closer together. We’ll be sure to call each other daily, and ask about each other’s days. We’ll say “I love you” to each other, and spend as much time together as we can.

We’ll think of you whenever we are together, and especially when we are alone. We’ll remember your smile and your laugh and your kindness and your love. We’ll know that you will be watching us, guiding us, helping us get through the tough times. But you’ll also be with us during the good times. You’ll be there when my baby is born. You’ll be there when Marco makes his millions and when Adriana walks down the aisle. You’ll be there when Daddy goes back to dance class. You’ll always be there.

And when we least expect it, we’ll feel your presence. We’ll know that you’re with us, and we’ll be thankful that we had so many good years with you, and so many good memories to remember you by, and a future that we all look forward to living, with you standing right next to each one of us.

We love you so much, and we hope we do you proud.
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Family of Four

Since I was five and a half, I've always been part of a Family of Five.

Being a family of five had its difficulties at times. 

Someone always had to sleep on the cot in hotel rooms while on vacation.

Someone had to sit in the dreaded middle seat in the back of the car.

Someone had to ride solo on roller coasters.

But, I can honestly say that the good outweighed the bad.

There was always a majority vote...no Mexican standoffs in our house.

There was always a choice in who to hang out with. 

I was able to hone my big sister skills twice.

And now, we are a Family of Four.

I'm still searching for the good qualities.

For the record, I despise this picture. 

I feel like Quasi Modo standing next to those aliens on V.

**There's one more day to enter the Giveaway.  Winner announced tomorrow.**

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Dear Mom...

Well, here we are.  Our third Mother's Day without you.  And hey, guess what?  It's not any easier! 

Go figure.

My first Mother's Day without you was also my first Mother's Day as a mother.  It was the holiday I was dreading the most to have to experience without you there.  But, we managed.  As we always do.

What I like about Mother's Day is that Adriana wants to spend it with me each year.  Her reasoning is that I'm the mother that she's closest to.  She always does something nice for me, too.  Like takes me for a pedicure or changes Leah's diapers.

This may make me sound like a bad person, but on Mother's Day I just want to be able to do what I want.  I know I should say things like, "I want to spend the whole day with my family." or "I want my family to shower me with love, attention, and gifts." 

But I really just want to do what I want to do and not have to answer to anyone.  Sometimes, that means not spending the whole day playing with Leah.  Sue me.

I wonder if that's how you ever felt.  You never said it, and for good reason.  We would have been hurt if you said you didn't want to be with us for the entire day.  Or, maybe because you hadn't lost your mom, you didn't really dread the day the way I do.  Maybe you didn't want to just quietly have the day pass without much fanfare.  Like I do.

Well, this year I want to get a pedicure with Adriana (and only Adriana, Leah) and then I want to order Chinese food so that I don't have to cook and clean the kitchen.  That's it.  Everything else is just gravy.

Mom, 1978

Stay tune on Monday for a great Mother's Day Giveaway.  It's our first giveaway sponsered by an actual person with an actual business and not something I grabbed while on line at Pathmark!  Have a good one!
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Head Full Of Doubt

Yesterday I bought my first ipod. I know what you’re thinking: That Dana-- always with her finger on the pulse of new technology. I realize that I am several years behind times with my ipod purchase, but just stay with me for a minute.


I also bought some new sneakers. Running sneakers. I’ve never owned sneakers that are geared towards running. But, then again, I’ve never ran before, so it’s not like I’ve been unprepared in life w/r/t running.

I was listening to a song a few weeks ago and the singer told me to “decide what to be and go be it.” And I keep thinking back to that line. Because I don’t remember the last time I’ve done that. I don’t remember the last time I’ve made a big decision at all. Mostly these days, things just sort of happen to me.

I wasn’t always this way. I used to make my own decisions. I used to be in control of my life. I used to determine my destiny. I used to sparkle.

And now?

I’m just rolling with the punches.

When that singer told me to decide what to be and go be it I realized that I wasn’t doing that at all. And haven’t been for a long time. I’m just living life ‘cause I have no choice. I’m trying to make it through the day while accomplishing some made up mental list of things I need to do in a day. I’m Greg’s wife, Leah’s mom, my dead mom’s oldest daughter. But I’m not Dana. Not anymore.

I’m too afraid to be Dana. I’m too afraid that if I stop doing what I’m doing someone else is going to drop dead on my dime. Because I wasn’t watching them breath. Keeping them safe.

I’m exhausted every night and it’s not because I’m too physically active each day. It’s because I can’t turn down my brain during the day and do anything anymore.

So, I bought an ipod and some sneakers. And I set a goal. It’s a small goal, but that doesn’t make it any less important.

My stimulators are The Avett Brothers, who wrote that great line.

My idols are my sister Adriana and my friend Gabrielle. My constructive critic is my husband. My motivation is my mother.

And my inspiration is me. Well, who I used to be. Wish me luck.
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The Other Girl

She was 25 when she lost her mother.


I met my future husband when I was 25. Two years later, I bought a house. Two years after that, I bought another house. I was proposed to when I was 29. I got married at 30. I was pregnant shortly after.

I was lucky to experience a lot in the 6 years from the ages of 25-31. And I got to do and experience all of those things with my mother in my life.

And my sister won’t. And this breaks my heart. She won’t know the joy of telling her mom about the man she met that she will eventually marry. She won’t have her mom there to help her decorate her first house. She won’t have the experience of walking down the aisle and looking to her mother standing in the first pew.

She won’t know how amazing it was to tell her mother that she’s pregnant.

This is what keeps me up at night. As much as I need to write this website for my daughter about her grandmother, I need to write it for my sister about her mother.

And I need to be that woman. That woman who is no longer here. For my daughter. For my sister.

I have big shoes to fill; that’s for sure. And I second guess and worry that I’m not living up to the legend. Not doing it right.

But I keep on going. For Leah.  And for Adriana.

 
 

Happy Birthday, Mom.  I hope you're dancing.  Wherever you are.

 

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Easter 2010

Happy Easter!

We had an egg hunt,

Ate some snacks,

Took some pics with the fam,

And had an all-around good time.

But this picture is for my mom, who would have gotten as much a kick out of it as my sister and I did.  I won't bore you with the actual story, because I suspect it's only funny to those of us that were there, but suffice to say that it's tradition in my family for one egg each year to have a particular word on it.

Here you go.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday.  I'm fresh with new photo albums from the 70's, so I'll be dusting off the scanner, and we'll return to our regularly scheduled reminiscing and pondering tomorrow.

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Dear Mom...

Leah turned two last week, and we had a small family party for her over the weekend.  You were definately missed, but I have to admit it's getting easier to handle parties and holidays.  Soon after you died, get-togethers were difficult.  We found ourselves just standing there staring at each other physically missing the void you left. 

When it would come time to clear the table, we'd still wait for your direction on who should do what.  When it came time to make the coffee, we'd forget that you were no longer there and someone had to pick up the slack. 

And pick up the slack is what we've done.

Daddy is now the only parent we have, and he must do the job of mom and dad.  He is the only grandparent of Leah's that lives in NJ, so he must fill those shoes, too.

Adriana and I now take care of making sure the table is set, the food is served, the dishes are washed, and the coffee is served.  Gone are the days of being waited on; we now automatically make sure it happens.

And Marco?  You'll be happy to know that he is still the impatient, lazy PITA that he was when you were here.  How proud you must be!

So, I hope this doesn't upset you, Ma, but we are doing a lot better when we are all together.  It's no longer a pity party, where we all feel bad for ourselves and are reminded at every turn that you are no longer here. 

We've picked up the pieces, and, although we drop a few occasionally, we are managing.  And we are doing well.  Very well. 



SO WELL, THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE A GRANDMOTHER AGAIN! MARCO IS HAVING A BABY!

So, there, internet.  That is my news.  You can re-direct your "Congratulations on the new baby" cards from me to Marco.  Unless the card states, "Congratulations on the new baby, AUNT DANA."






















Mom and Dad-2007.

Haha, totally kidding. It was the 70's, as if you couldn't tell.
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