Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring. SLAP.
Gonna be late. Make the coffee…pee…brush the teeth. Shower. Holy crud it’s cold! Where’s my towel, dang, where’s my towel??!! Oh, crap, wearing capris, need to shave. Back in the shower, shave. Back out. To the bedroom. My god it’s cold! Cover Greg’s head with blanket. Someone watching just this part would think I’m trying to kill him…hehe, funny. Ok, not really. Head’s covered, put on light. Open closet. What to wear? What to wear? What to wear? Everything sucks! Hate all my clothes! Am huge and fat! What to wear? What to wear? Oh fine, this will do. Underwear. Bra. Shoes. Jewelry. Give Greg a kiss. Sneak past Leah’s room. Oh man, why is that one floor board so friggen loud?!
Bathroom. Q tips. Deodorant. Face lotion. Perfume. Mousse. More hair crap. Blow dry blow dry blow dry blow dry-I vow to cut all of my hair off tomorrow!
“Hi Mommy!! I wake up!! You go to work?”
(Dammit! Dammit! I'm running late--WHY?!) “Hi Leah! You’re awake! Mommy’s in a rush so no juice right now. Ok?”
“I have juice I have juice I have juice I have juice I have juice I have juice I have juice?”
“Oh my lord, ENOUGH. Fine. Let’s go get your juice.”
Get juice. Back to bathroom. Concealer. Foundation. Don’t touch Mommy’s makeup, sweetie. Bronzer. Blush. Please don’t touch Mommy’s makeup, Sweetlove. Please. Highlighter. Leah-Makeup-NO. Eyeliner. Eye mousse. LEAH! Mascara. Geez, why do I need so much makeup. When did I get so old?
“Back to bed, Leah, here lay next to Daddy. Timmy Time!” (Worst show ever.)
Kitchen. Make coffee. Get lunch. Get cell phones. Get laptop. Get planner. Get purse. Get jacket. Get keys. Get gas money. Get out the door. Get in car. Get on road.
-------HOWARD STERN---------ohmmmmmm. ohmmmmmmm.
Park. Grab cell phones, briefcase, purse, lunch bag, coffee cup, jacket. Into office. Morning, Gentlemen! Empty bags. Answer emails. Answer phone. Return emails. Return calls. Meet with Super and Assistant. Deal with boss. Deal with co workers. Deal with customers. Take three Advil. More email. Unruly vendors.
Lunch: run to Walmart. Get gas. Get eyebrows waxed. Run to bank. Stop at Shop Rite. SHOVE lunch in mouth in 5 minutes. Back to work.
Answer emails. Answer phone. Return emails. Return calls. Meet with Super and Assistant. Deal with boss. Deal with co workers. Deal with customers. Take three Advil. More email. Unruly vendors. Pack up bags. Get in car. On the road. Rt. 78. Rt. 287. Rt. 206. WHY ARE YOU DRIVING SO DAMN SLOW! More traffic. Make phone calls. Charge cell phones. Check emails. MOVE OUT OF THE WAY YOU STUPID HONDA SOME OF US HAVE TO GO HOME.
Pick up Leah. Go home. Throw everything on counter.
“Go pee.”
"I no hafta go."
“Go pee.”
“No.”
“Go pee.”
“No.”
“Fine.”
Omg get these clothes off of my body. RIP bra off. Put on pajamas. Let dog out. Put tv on-find something Tinkerbell related. Let dog in. Wash off makeup. Put hair up. What’s for dinner? Everything frozen.
“Pasta?”
“No.”
“Pastina?”
“No.”
“Macaroni and Cheese?”
“No.”
“Banana?”
“No.”
“Berries?”
"No."
“Candy?”
“YES!”
“Ha ha. NO.”
Ring. Ring.
“Beef fried rice and two vegetable spring rolls. 14 Birch Tree. Thank you.” Click.
“Mommy, I had an accident.”
(Ohmygod Dana, do not lose it.) Breath. Breath. Breath. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10.
“That’s ok. Let’s get you cleaned up. I’ll start the bath.”
Water running, toys dumped, shampoo, bubbles, soap, wretched bathtub markers, Mermaid Dora. Wash the hair, please stop crying. Rinse the hair, please stop crying. Time to get out, please stop crying. Food’s here. Where’s my money? Keep the change. Comeon, out of the tub. Pajamas on. Brush hair, please stop crying. Put on slippers; you’ll hurt your feet.
Sit down. Time to eat. Please sit down. The TV is going off. Come sit down. Leave the dog alone and come and sit down. You want a different bowl? Coming right up. You need a different spoon? Ok, here it is. You don’t want milk? Have some water. You want the napkin with the butterflies. Here. Please just take a bite. How about you take a bite. Just one bite, please, now? ONE BITE LEAH ONE STINKIN BITE JUST ONE OH MY GOD JUST TAKE A BITE. You’re done? Fine. Just go watch TV.
Clean up dinner. Empty dishwasher. Make my lunch. Make Leah’s lunch. Put dirty dishes in dishwasher. “Yes! I did see that! Caillou is so cute!” UGH. Feed dog. Feed cat. Give animals water.
“I hurt my foot!”
Do not scream. Do not scream. Do not scream. Let me see it. I’ll give it a kiss. Let’s put your slippers on so that it doesn’t happen again. (Just like I told you a half hour again.)
"And I want a snack."
10 MORE MINUTES TILL BED!
Run downstairs. Put clothes in wash. Run back up stairs.
5 MORE MINUTES TILL BED!
Gather toys from around the house. Put in play room.
2 MORE MINUTES TILL BED!
Gather 6 (really, 6?) pairs of shoes; bring to their respective rooms.
OK, LET’S GO!! TIME TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH!
Brush your teeth. Brush your teeth. Stop pinching the dog and brush your teeth. Please just a little faster? Please. Ok, great, now go pee. I don't have to, yes you do, I don't have to, yes you do, I don't have to, if you don't go I won't read you a book, but I don't have to, sit on the toilet, but there's nothing there, just let it out, but, Oh, look at that--I'm peeing, Oh dear lord don't lose it. Ok, done? Toilet paper, pull up underpants, ok, great! Let's go! To the bedroom!!
Here's your pull up; put on your pjs. Get in bed, get in bed, get in bed. Put down the lip gloss, just get in bed. Ok, please leave your hat where it is just get in bed. Oh, the very same book we've read every night for the past two months! Who Stole that Damn Cookie From the Cookie Jar??!! Not Ethan, Jacob, Isabell, Aiden, Samantha, Matthew, or all the rest. Spoiler alert: it's the mouse. Ok, lay down. Here's your teeth medicine. Lip gloss. Lotion. Lay down, rub your back, rub your belly, rub your legs, eyes, nose, teeth. EVERYTHING IS RUBBED DEAR LORD PLEASE LET THIS BE ENOUGH RUBBING. Walking out, closing door.
Ok, half hour. Here we go: facebook, fold clothes, update blog, pay bills, fill out deposit slip, vacuum living room, mop kitchen, clean toilets, brush teeth, face lotion, Wordfeud, brush teeth, dog in cage, cat fed, doors locked, text Greg, run down hallway, close blinds, grab blanket, pull down covers, get in bed, set alarm, set other alarm, plug in phone, turn off light, put down headzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Ring Ring Ring Ring Slap.
No comments:
Post a Comment